Searching for submission

Talking with Mistress in chat last night I was reminded of my last homework assignment which perplexed me as I had thought I had done that.  Least to the point that I was able to come up with when I sat down to do it that day.  She wanted more personal detail however, and think thats sorta why I left it somewhat vague though, is I don't know those details so much yet.

Submission has always been a interesting concept to me, but what exactly is it that a submissive does, what they are, what do they want?  What is that I truly want for that matter?

The first and foremost thing I want is simply to be in a long time loving relationship with a woman, and hopefully that woman is Cridhe, who is confident, smarter, whole loves to cuddle, and thunderstorms.  I'm glad Cridhe is also more well versed then I am when it comes to BDSM, and in time our relationship will grow to include more and more of the D/s dynamic.

But I'm still sorta lost when it comes to submission, I have a general want to be controlled sexually, but I know submission doesn't just have to end at the bedroom door.  Outside the bedroom the only things I can really think of that I do want is to be cared for and to have some better direction in my life, to feel less like I am always just stuck in a place where I am not all that happy.

Some things I may want to explore a bit is being flogged at some point, having a flogger used on me in various ways, and possibly being paddled.  Remember reading a post where some one described being paddled and then being held and soothed after it, and for them the paddling part wasn't the part they really liked, but the being held while they cried and where soothed in the arms of their Dom.  I could sorta see myself in that scenario possibly as being punished.

I could see myself probably blushing and embarrassed, walking behind my Mistress on a leash at some kink event, dressed in very little if anything at all, and though embarrassed enjoying just being led around like that.

I could possibly see myself doing some chores around the house in nothing but a frilly apron.

I don't know what the future will hold for me Cridhe, and how much D/s will be a aspect of that life, but I know I love her very much, and want to see where our life leads us.

Judgement - a minor rant

Last night I was sitting in a chatroom, having a discussion with a few online subs and friends. It was fairly enjoyable, as conversations go. I love picking people's brains to find out what motivates and draws them, as I believe I've mentioned before.

In the middle of this conversation, I received an internal mail message from another member of the site. I don't know the person from a hole in the wall, and normally would have either ignored the message, or responded flippantly. But the content of the message annoyed me, so I responded when I probably shouldn't have.

I don't recall exact wording off the top of my head, but the essence of the message was, was I happy with my slave and his creativity? My response - First of all, lion is NOT a slave. he's a sub. There is a difference. Second of all, what does his creativity have to do with anything? Well apparently, according to this person, I could do a lot better than my lion, and apparently they're not the only one that thinks so.

Do I look like I give a crap what anyone online thinks about my lion and our relationship? As I told the individual, what is seen on the screen in an online environment isn't even the tip of the iceberg of my interactions with lion. Judging someone based on a few comments made online is rather stupid and shallow. If you don't know me, and don't know my lion, please kindly keep your mouth shut. I don't want to hear about it.

I spoke with a friend of mine about what happened. His take on it was that it sounded like someone was angling to get me to dump lion so I'd be free to take on other subs, since I've said repeatedly that I won't hand out collars to anyone, unless lion asks me for a collar brother. (Somehow, I doubt that's going to happen.) But why on earth would I ever consider taking on a sub who had badmouthed someone else in an attempt to get close to me? A bit assbackwards, if you ask me.

It reminded me of way back when, when I wore Brett's collar. I was constantly being accused of being a 'bad sub', and people kept telling him that he could do better than me, that I wasn't really a sub and that he should dump me and choose someone else. The truth was, what people saw of our interactions were only the barest pinprick of what really went on between us. Brett and I were matched in ways that most people can't even imagine, much as lion and I are matched.

So to all the people out there, who take one look at two people, and judge them based on that limited view...bite me. My lion is MINE, and nothing anyone says is going to change that.

My stage in submission

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Smoking and my Life

Been saying I want to quite smoking now for awhile, but I keep ended up giving in and buying more anyways.  Really could use the extra money that I spend on them right now.  Aslo there is the fact that Cridhe is allergic to them, and wouldn’t want her to not to be able to get close to me when we are together in real life.

Dad’s been paving in Mass, and I’ve been sorta by myself, trying my best to provide my own meals and such.

Keep tapping in tt my savings for food and to buy more smokes though.  I really need to quite doing that.  Specially if I want to have more money this fall, for when i meet with Cridhe.  Feel horrible that I do not have the willpower to just quit.

Evening while I was sitting at work writing this, the pack that I had bought on my way to work was nearly two thirds gone.

I also had a assignment from my Mistress, that she had gave me when we where chatting together and for some reason I referred to her as Love towards the end of the night when we where getting ready to call it a night and what prompted the Assignment I was giving.

Though I suspect it was partly do to the disconnect between how i was talking to her on Yahoo and talking in the chat room.  On Yahoo, I called her hon amount other things and in the room i was suppose to say Mistress, I thought Mistress, I didn’t type Mistress.

I felt a bit worst that I slipped being that it was our three month anniversary, but will just have to do better in the future, and try to call her Mistress more as that is what she is to me.

We had also talked about some new training that she has planned for me.  I was sorta expecting what she would have to say to be longer, and perhaps more involved, but then I don’t really know what I was expecting really.

I was sent three postures to become familiar with.  I was already somewhat familiar with the two kneeling ones from when I was BLA sub for a short while.  Though I hadn’t really tired those in person, in real life, but I did a bit this morning, and well, they are a bit uncomfortable.

Specifically I tried the kneeling with my thighs parted, my hands face up on my thighs, back strait and didn’t bother with the down cast eyes as I know Mistress would prefer I look at Her.

I’ve also sorta been jealous, not horrible, but I know its there of the other submissive males that she has been talking to, and working with on different things, not so much cause she’s been talking to them, but cause of my situation with Her, I’m lucky to get a bit of alone time, and has been awhile since I heard her voice.  But I know I have truly nothing to fear, as I’m reminded this in ways almost daily without it really needing to be said.  I have giving my trust to Her, that she would not do something to harm me in any way.

My real life has been hectic right now and that makes it hard to spend the time with my Mistress that I crave to spend with her, its frustrating to be able to spend as much time with her as I want to be spending.

I don’t know if I’m walking home or if I’ll have a ride, most days I know I’m walking to work at least.  Guess least knowing that much is good, and that I’ll have a ride home on Thursday's, thanks to J.

I may be moving closer to where I work now, I may not, I may be moving to another state I may not, I just wish i knew for sure where I was going.  Course ultimately the only place I want to be is with Cridhe.

Three months together

Feel almost bad as I did remember to note the first month that we had been together but the second and third almost seemed to fly by and though it probably would have dawned on me later in the day that today is three month anniversary since I've started wearing the collar that is around my neck in real life and online.

I can't not truly say what these months have meant to me since I've found Cridhe, cause I don't think there are words that could possibly do it justice.

I look forward to the months to come, and hopefully many years to come as well.

Happy anniversary my love, and owner of my heart.

three months

Three months down...a million more to go. Happy anniversary my lion.

Hobbies in a D/s relationship

I was listening to one of the most recent podcast from Erotic Awaking, where they answered a question from a listener wanted to know about giving up hobbies as part of a D/s Relationship.

I think largely what hobbies your allowed will depend on you, and the person your entering a D/s relationship.  You should know before hand what hobbies you have that are most important to you, and if your going to be willing to give up said hobbies.

If you have a hobby that is important to you, not necessarily just when entering a D/s relationship but any relationship really, you should discuss this hobby, specially if its one that consumes a fair bit of money and personal time.

In my case I don't really have any hobbies that are so important to me that I couldn't really see giving them up, I might go a bit nuts with out least some computer time in my free time, but otherwise most things I could care less about.  Part of why i even do some of the things I do is just to keep busy.

But if your hobby is really important to you, and you enter a relationship without first really stating that this is something you really enjoy doing, you should make it clear ahead of time and either find a way to continue doing what you enjoy but still allows you to be in the D/s relationship, or find someone more accepting of the hobby.

Thought I would be able to say more to this, but I guess thats really about all I can think of at the moment.