Missing Private Time With Mistress

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Really been missing having time with Mistress.  I know that right now she is having a rough time, but at the same time I just want things to go back the way they where, when we could get on skype and talk more verbally, or would call now and then in the morning, but also know at the same time that even if she was not in a bit of a rough spot, that would not happen as often as I might like.

But she is my love, my mistress and would do anything just to be able to hear her voice more, but aside from that I just want to be able to do more for her.  Feel like a horribly selfish person that even though something is going on with her, that I just sorta want to say, look at me, I'm right over here...cross a country border, and several states away...but I'm here...aren't I wonderful-ish?

Then I remember that I haven't really been doing as much as I should be doing either even without talking to her, without those reminders that I am hers.  Course should not really need reminding when I wear one around my neck, ever day, all day, when I shower, work, sleep, etc.

I have not been kneeling every morning like I am suppose to.  Haven't been eating breakfast, I try to, but then last few mornings especially I have been getting up late, and just sort of space a fair number of things.  I been trying to keep up with writing in my journal and been meaning to get around to scanning or photoing the pages, but I don't know if D has a scanner, and for some reason haven't just taking my camera and taking a couple snap shots of pages.  Not sure how well she would be able able to read my handwriting anyways, so been thinking I should just write some of the entries if I promised not to modify what I wrote and just type what I wrote on the paper.

This post is from my journal, though its not word for work, I'm expanding a bit and re-organizing some thoughts, but for the most part is what I was thinking about today.  One thing that annoys me sometimes when I write is I will have thought out this well put paragraph in my head, but could not write it down right then at the time and later when I go to finally write it down, I wonder what happened to that paragraph I was thinking about?

Lately just feels like a void has been creeping in between me Mistress, and I'm trying as hard as I can to see her through it.  I'm really hoping that when this fall comes that it will help more solidify things between me and her and bring us closer then I even dream possible, but I also need to work harder at budgeting my spending so that I actually will have money saved up this fall, cause I won't be satisfied if it gets this fall and I'm as broke as I am now.  Need to look more into where we are going to be staying this fall as well, find somewhere private.

Just as a aside from the main point of this post I'm glad that there are people who enjoy what I write aside from Cridhe, though the main point of writing most this is for her.  I'm glad for the praise that I've gotten from some of the people over kittenplay.org which I joined not long ago just to sorta see what it was about after finding the link from Miss and pet over on Tumblr.

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Why I like the idea of chastity

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Thought perhaps I should write something about what intrigues me about male chastity and why I would want to be in a chastity cage, and controlled in this manner. Been thinking about writing this for a awhile, but was not really sure where I should start.

Guess the easiest place for me to start is with what first, turned me onto the idea of how hot male chastity could be. I was doing some searching, looking for blogs by male submissive writers, something that is apparently rather hard to do. I would come across a large number of sites from a female submissive point of view and skip right past it. Perhaps not the most conductive thing to my search to find myself as a submissive, and perhaps I should try searching again sometime for just general submissive blogs.

Anyways one of the blogs I found at first was by someone who doesn't claim to be submissive and if he is or not, is not really something I feel privy to discuss as I'm not always certain what submission really is. but the blog was titled, "The Edge of Vanilla." was a interesting title and guess what grabbed my attention to click the link and take a look at what it was about.  I was glancing over some of the post and found one that I started read I was amazed at how hot I was finding it.  I'm not really certain, it could have been this post, "Coming Together: 2" or another. but one thing was sure, I was aroused.

“Mmmm. You know how long it’s going to be this time?”

“However long you decide,” I answered.

She closed her eyes again. “That’s right. You know why?”

“Why?”

“Because I’m in charge,” she said simply.

“I want you to be in charge,” I whispered into her ear. “I want you to let it go as long as you want. Maybe we’ll take this out for a whole year.”

“Oooh… Jesus…”

I lifted myself up higher to watch her face while she came.

She was smiling.

Afterward, I removed the dil… er, her cock, and held her.

“Driving all the way here, I was thinking that I needed to have a talk with you about this,” I told her. “I’ve been hoping that we could change what we’ve been doing, but, wow, I didn’t expect this.”

“How are you feeling about it?” she asked.

“Exhilarated. Like, it’s really exciting, but I’m a little scared, too, at what you might actually do.” I kissed her. “We’re going to need to talk about this later.”

She nodded. “We’ll have plenty of time later,” she said. “Are you horny, yet?”

“I’m not really sure. I’m excited and aroused, but I’m oddly satisfied. Thank you, this was really good for me.”

I was surprised I was being aroused by it, but more so by the idea that I might actually want to be in a chastity cage, or just plain denied release.  It was hot the idea of giving up control over when and if I came to someone.

What I like about is she gets to decide when I cum, how I cum, and could possibly, where I cum.  If she text-ed me and told me she wanted me to cum on my next lunch, I'm pretty sure I would go right to the bathroom and cum for Her, though that would be a bit embarrassing and would have to worry about people ease dropping.  I don't want a set sort of schedule for it either, I just want her to decide ok, tonight I am going to take you, fuck you and let you cum, or maybe just fuck me then say..no..no..hold back, you are not allowed tonight.

The combination of typing this and talking to Cridhe right now is a bit much as well, getting hard just thinking about this, and wanting release so bad, but not being giving permission.  Is such sweet torment.

At some point I should be getting the CB The Curve chastity device, and I so can't wait to be strapped into it.  Should be interesting, though wondering how I will handle Mistress' torment while being caged when I won't even be allowed to get hard..and is almost counterintuitive that I get hard from the idea of being caged where I won't be able to get hard.

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Disappointing my Mistress

Much as I hate that I've disappointed my Mistress, I have, and I knew she would be disappointed in me before I admitted to failing to keep the gift I had giving her.  I feel horrible about it, I felt discussed with myself  even after I had done it and had not told her about it yet.

What did I do? I came without permission, though I tried to justify it in my head at first as if I had done nothing wrong, but it gnawed at me that I had broken my word to her, that I had giving into my lust, and had done so not on my days off like I was told I could, but a couple days before my days off, though that should have actually been over as I have a steady place to stay for a good while.

I didn't want to tell her, I didn't want to hurt her, but I had to tell her, so I tried to work myself up to telling her and well I felt better for least coming clean, but worst for having her disappointed in me.

So why did I do it?  I was horny obviously, but that wasn't the reason, I've been aching for release before and not masturbated, but the night before last Mistress wasn't on at all when I got home, I waited to about 2am and still hadn't seen Her.

I think partly just cause lately, the last few weeks just hadn't been doing it for me, She had told me that i could cum once a week on my days off, but I didn't want to just have permission once a week, I had wanted her to want me to.  That I was cumming when and where she wanted me to do so.  To ask her and have her tell me to now, or possibly to say hmm...no not tonight, was so hot that night where i got so close and was told no..

I know its not Her fault that we haven't been able to get our time on Skype together where she could hear me and I could hear her, as real life has just been a pain the ass for both of us.  But with so much less moments where it was more real to me, knowing she's listening to me, my whimpers, and my want, its been more frustrating to me.

I do still want her in control of my releases, and hopefully she will forgive me.

Aside from that I've been wanting to do more as a submissive, to learn to better serve her, to have her in control of more of my life then at present.

My stage in submission

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