Seems like more and more I just want to avoid dealing with people. I feel like I've always had a problem getting close to anyone.
Not that I do not want to be close to someone, I would like to find a girlfriend / Mistress. But when it comes down to it I rather spend most my time alone in my room playing with my computer. If it wasn't for needing money to pay rent, I wouldn't even want to go to work.
My roommate asked me recently if I was angry with him, I just wanted to be left alone. I had the day off and by the time him and his wife had got home I was tired and was about to go lay down when he had informed me that there was some food if I wanted but just went to my room and went to bed.
I feel conflicted at times between wanting an human connection and wanting to shy away from it. I can interact with people at work or if someone wants to talk to me on subjects I don't mind talking about, but when it comes to me being the one to start the conversation, specially with someone I don't know I usually rather avoid it.
My Days off I always spend alone despite not necessarily wanting to be alone. I often wonder what it would be like if I actually had friends that wanted to hang out with me at my home or invite me over. I haven't been over to a "friends" house since High School, and even then outside of a few common interest where we ever friends? I haven't heard from any of them since I left high school. Aside from one that is but then that is cause he works where I do now.
Maybe it is just the people I'm around here now. I haven't really met anyone I had much interest in. Well there is a woman at work that I wouldn't mind getting to know better, but she's in a relationship and my interest in her is not of friendship.
I sometimes think I should just be fine on my own but at the same time I'm 33 years old. I would like to have a relationship. To feel at least once one it's like to be with someone for years and not just wish to spend once more the few times I had sexual contact with a woman.
How does someone going about finding a partner in the real world when it's far easier for them to talk to people online and not face to face, and even then its not that easy.