Disappointing my Mistress

Much as I hate that I've disappointed my Mistress, I have, and I knew she would be disappointed in me before I admitted to failing to keep the gift I had giving her.  I feel horrible about it, I felt discussed with myself  even after I had done it and had not told her about it yet.

What did I do? I came without permission, though I tried to justify it in my head at first as if I had done nothing wrong, but it gnawed at me that I had broken my word to her, that I had giving into my lust, and had done so not on my days off like I was told I could, but a couple days before my days off, though that should have actually been over as I have a steady place to stay for a good while.

I didn't want to tell her, I didn't want to hurt her, but I had to tell her, so I tried to work myself up to telling her and well I felt better for least coming clean, but worst for having her disappointed in me.

So why did I do it?  I was horny obviously, but that wasn't the reason, I've been aching for release before and not masturbated, but the night before last Mistress wasn't on at all when I got home, I waited to about 2am and still hadn't seen Her.

I think partly just cause lately, the last few weeks just hadn't been doing it for me, She had told me that i could cum once a week on my days off, but I didn't want to just have permission once a week, I had wanted her to want me to.  That I was cumming when and where she wanted me to do so.  To ask her and have her tell me to now, or possibly to say hmm...no not tonight, was so hot that night where i got so close and was told no..

I know its not Her fault that we haven't been able to get our time on Skype together where she could hear me and I could hear her, as real life has just been a pain the ass for both of us.  But with so much less moments where it was more real to me, knowing she's listening to me, my whimpers, and my want, its been more frustrating to me.

I do still want her in control of my releases, and hopefully she will forgive me.

Aside from that I've been wanting to do more as a submissive, to learn to better serve her, to have her in control of more of my life then at present.


You are beautiful like demolition

Sorta rather liked this image and quote, so felt I had to post it here aside from just on my Tumblr.

You are beautiful like demolition. Just the thought of you draws my knuckles white. I don’t need a god. I have you and your beautiful mouth, your hands holding onto me, the nails leaving unfelt wounds, your hot breath on my neck. The taste of your saliva. The darkness is ours. The nights belong to us. Everything we do is secret. Nothing we do will ever be understood; we will be feared and kept well away from. It will be the stuff of legend, endless discussion and limitless inspiration for the brave of heart. It’s you and me in this room, on this floor. Beyond life, beyond morality. We are gleaming animals painted in moonlit sweat glow. Our eyes turn to jewels and everything we do is an example of spontaneous perfection.
… Henri Rollins


This Weeks Release

Well another week has gone past and was really really hoping to have Mistress on Skype again finally so that we could enjoy some one on one time.  But instead I had to settle for using my imagination and cuming without her delightful voice in my ear, listening to her own moans as I came.

God I just want to so badly to hear her voice, but more then that I want to feel her touch.  I was very frustrated when I found out that there would be no Skype tonight.  I almost brought it up sooner, but waited semi patiently to see what the answer would end up being.

Wasn't to be tonight, so frustration over not being able to hear her, I still had my permission to cum tonight even though, its never as good cumming on my own, without her.  I know she wanted me to cum even if she couldn't be the one directly helping me to that point, and she wanted me to use a toy, so I just surfed a bit watching a couple videos on kink academy.

I watched one on "deep throating" and "messy blowjobs" not really sure why really, but after Mistress had gone to bed and I finished watching that I stripped off my clothes and lied back in my bed with my dildo.

Taking my lube, and using a bit around my anus, spreading it around the rim of my anus with my finger, just enjoying the sensation, then taking some more lube and lubing up my dildo very well, and slowly inserted it.

Thrusting it slow in and out of my anus, enjoying the feeling of it, my mind going to thoughts of her using it on me, either fucking me with a strap-on or just using her hand to thrust the dildo inside of me.  Every time I use the didlo on myself I can't help but reach for my cock and start stroking, thinking of her hand circling my cock and slowly thrusting up and down the length of me while thrusting the dildo faster in and out.

It doesn't take all that long this way for me to reach my climax, feeling myself cumming hard with my release, and laying there my wrist throbbing a bit from the effort as I'm still not very use to thrusting a dildo in my ass.  messaging my hand till it doesn't hurt as much, just laying there and letting the after glow go over me.

Apparently I'm much better at relaxing and taking a dildo inside me now, I was much more open then previous attempts I believe, and feels so much better.  Would love to have my Mistress fucking me with a strap-on.


Room on First Street

Today I moved into my first home away from my family, fitting that its on First St.  Its allot closer to work then where I was living before though.  Before where I was living, before I stayed with my mom until if found a place closer to work, I would be walking two to two and half hours to and sometimes from work to get home.

Going to take some getting use to, I couldn't afford to just move into a place by myself as most the places I could find in the paper where $800 a month, which I could have maybe swung $500 a month, but that's not enough really.

Course I need to get better at budgeting my money in general, and hopefully is something Cridhe can work with me on to get myself set on a budget.  I'm going to be staying with two people, who I will simply refer to as G and D for the time being, as would have to ask them before putting there actual names out there on the web.

When I was moving my stuff into the apartment, I had forgot my wireless adapter, so had to go back over to my mom's over in Springfield, to get that.  But is all set up now, though need to get some sort of USB hub I think to connect my iPod and such easier to my computer, without having to pull my tower forward to reach the plugs on the back of it.

D and G seem to be nice people, bit different, but suppose I'll get use to it in time.  But least I'm not just close to work but a number of other things like the movie theater, restaurants, various other stores.

Not sure how much I'll like staying here, but is only my first night, so will just have to see how everything goes.


Abortions and Women Serving the USA

Recieved a action alert today as I do semi-frequently from the ACLU about women serving in our military and not having access to abortions.
It is appalling that women serving in our military women who put their lives on the line to protect our freedoms are prevented from exercising their own reproductive freedom. Our citizens in uniform should not be stripped of their constitutional rights simply because they no longer wear civilian clothes.
I used the tool they provided to contact members of congress and added the following

I fully support a woman's right to choose, be it in the military serving our country not at home.  Having a child is one of the biggest decisions any family can make, and its one that shouldn't be taking lightly.  I think I remember reading somewhere that just having one child can increase the financial burden on a family about 30%.
Having access to abortions accessible helps insure that they choose a time that is right for them as well as helps women who have been the victims of sexual assault.  But also more needs to be done in the areas of proper non-abstinence only sexual education.  Women and Men need to be aware of and know how to use properly, condoms, contraceptives and options such as Plan B and the upcoming ellaOne emergency contraceptives. 


FGM to Shorten a Girls Clitoris

So looking at my blog reading this morning I come across a link from Carnal Nation leading to a article by Dan Savage on a new form of female genital mutilation that some of you may have already heard about.  The article is titled, "Female Genital Mutilation at Cornell University."

The type of mutilation talked about is something I believe the blog by PZ MyersPharyngula talked about recently in his post, Your daily squick.

Labiaplasty is simply another form of female genital mutilation, so I find that repellent. That women feel compelled to get their genitals sculpted to fit some inappropriate ideal is criminal…

The part of the article that is most repugnant though, isn't just that these young girls are having there clitoris reshaped to fit some ideal shape, but the follow up exams that they are being subjected to.

There's so much to be angry about I hardly know where to start. Applying a vibrator a girl's clitoris after it's been surgically shortened may demonstrate that she still has "sensation" in what's been left behind—that she still has a few nerve endings that function—but that's not proof that she hasn't been physically or emotionally harmed by the surgery and those traumatic follow-up "procedures." These post-op visits with the doctor and his vibrator do the girls no good—what can the doctor do if a girl reports no sensation? reassemble her clit?—and retaining sensation isn't proof that these girls will grow up to be healthy, sexually functional adults. All of the tissues that make up the clitoris—the glans, the stem, the erectile tissues—are important to sexual response, orgasm, and fulfillment, not just the part of the clitoris that's "normally" exposed.

There's another disturbing reason this surgery is being performed: girls with large clitorises are more likely to identify as lesbians when they grow up. Needless to say (or maybe not-so-needless): carving up a girl's clitoris does nothing to change the underlying hormonal and genetic factors that contribute to lesbian orientation and identity. Big clits don't make lesbians—lesbians sometimes make big clits. These surgeries are partly motivated by out-and-out homophobia, by the belief that "fixing" a large clit somehow prevents lesbianism. (Larger penises correlate positively with gayness in males but no one is out there shortening boys' penises.)

Its disturbing to say the least.  I'm rather against every form of genital mutilation be it boys are girls, but for girls especially.

and if you need something to get your mind of it, another borrow from the PZ Myers post..quick cute puppies..aren't they cute..


New Living Arangements

So recently, some things happened and my dad and I are being evicted from where we where living.  We or more correctly he was behind on rent amount other bills.  And for the time being I have moved back in with my mother, while I try to find a new place to live.

Its sorta frustrating in that I really didn't plan on having to find my own place, but now is rather forced to.  Staying with my mom is only a temporary solution to the problem.  Though its also very close to the third only person I've ever slept with, and get a sinking feeling in my stomach every time we go by where troutcall lives.

I have Cridhe now, but part of me, still misses seeing troutcall.  Sorta rather avoid seeing her though, as much as it might be nice to talk to her, I don't want to be dredging up longings for something that she didn't want.

Though as of today, it seems like I won't be staying with mom much longer.  A friend of my moms where she worked knew a lady looking to rent out a room.  Its a small place, though even in that small place, the room that I would be moving in would be larger then the one I had living in the trailer where I was living with my dad.


This weeks release

Since, my living arrangements and the inability to get much private Skype type with Mistress has been hampered for awhile, which is frustrating in its own rite, but has been awhile since i was lasted granted release.  And as was pointed out to me, I haven't really spoke much about the denial or the willful giving of the timing of my releases to when my Mistress pleases them.

I will only cover it briefly here to get to my writing about today's release for my Mistress, but has been more difficult then I would have thought to hold back on my little masturbation sessions.  Imaging it will be even more so when I finally get the cage that Mistress has promised me.  Its hard to resist touching myself when she is tormenting me via texts, and wanting so badly at night sometimes to just cum right then, but I don't, I maybe start touching myself, but I stop, wanting not just to wait for when I am allowed, but for when we can be on Skype together, wanting to hear her voice as I do.

So anyways, earlier today Mistress was teasing me a bit while I was preparing my dinner, some mac and cheese.  Was my first time making it.  And was reminded it was Tue, and because of the way things are right now, I've been granted permission to cum once a week.  I was getting quite turned on while cooking the food, but being that for one, my mother was home, couldn't really just go about masturbating in the middle of the kitchen, and two was in the middle of preparing dinner I had to wait till later.

Later in the evening I went to my room, my head had started throbbing but wanted to get my release even if it couldn't be with her voice in my ears as I did.  I had been wanting it badly most the week, though often don't mention as much.  Have a feeling the more I mentioned wanting the more teasing I would get.

Figure the best cure usually for a headache is a good cuming I lay down, thinking about Mistress, just idly running my hands over my length while I let my mind wonder.  A post coming to mind that I read about sleeping in bondage, of my hands tied above my head to the head board and my legs tied to a bar at the bottom of the bed, of Mistress sleeping with her head on my chest, and eventually of waking to her hand and mouth roaming over my chest.

Enjoying the feel of her mouth as she kisses over my chest, her nails raking and playing with my nipples, of my growing cock as I am now getting aroused from the attention she is giving me.  Hoping that she wants to grant me release finally.

Reaching for the lube I got from work since I left the others i had at home, some I had been wanting to try, but know it wouldn't be good for my toys anyways.  taking a hold of the wet platinum, and putting a small amount in my hand, making very slow strokes getting myself good and lubed up.

Back in my head I think of her hand gripping my cock, her hand moving up and down my length just as slowly, the soft feel of her flesh encompassing me.  Softly moaning with the pleasure that her hand is bringing me, but wanting so much more to have her take me, to ride me hard and fast.

Stroking myself faster as I think of you straddling me, enveloping my cock and riding me fast and hard, bringing me so close then denying me, stopping before i can cum, waiting trying to trash my hips to thrust my cock.

Finally you start again but this time bring me to a wonderful orgasm, cuming very hard, and laying back a bit lost in our love making.  Feeling you lay back down to cuddle against me and drifting off to rest once more, perhaps when we wake i'll be granted release again..perhaps not..either way, my love for you grows.


Searching for submission

Talking with Mistress in chat last night I was reminded of my last homework assignment which perplexed me as I had thought I had done that.  Least to the point that I was able to come up with when I sat down to do it that day.  She wanted more personal detail however, and think thats sorta why I left it somewhat vague though, is I don't know those details so much yet.

Submission has always been a interesting concept to me, but what exactly is it that a submissive does, what they are, what do they want?  What is that I truly want for that matter?

The first and foremost thing I want is simply to be in a long time loving relationship with a woman, and hopefully that woman is Cridhe, who is confident, smarter, whole loves to cuddle, and thunderstorms.  I'm glad Cridhe is also more well versed then I am when it comes to BDSM, and in time our relationship will grow to include more and more of the D/s dynamic.

But I'm still sorta lost when it comes to submission, I have a general want to be controlled sexually, but I know submission doesn't just have to end at the bedroom door.  Outside the bedroom the only things I can really think of that I do want is to be cared for and to have some better direction in my life, to feel less like I am always just stuck in a place where I am not all that happy.

Some things I may want to explore a bit is being flogged at some point, having a flogger used on me in various ways, and possibly being paddled.  Remember reading a post where some one described being paddled and then being held and soothed after it, and for them the paddling part wasn't the part they really liked, but the being held while they cried and where soothed in the arms of their Dom.  I could sorta see myself in that scenario possibly as being punished.

I could see myself probably blushing and embarrassed, walking behind my Mistress on a leash at some kink event, dressed in very little if anything at all, and though embarrassed enjoying just being led around like that.

I could possibly see myself doing some chores around the house in nothing but a frilly apron.

I don't know what the future will hold for me Cridhe, and how much D/s will be a aspect of that life, but I know I love her very much, and want to see where our life leads us.


Judgement - a minor rant

Last night I was sitting in a chatroom, having a discussion with a few online subs and friends. It was fairly enjoyable, as conversations go. I love picking people's brains to find out what motivates and draws them, as I believe I've mentioned before.

In the middle of this conversation, I received an internal mail message from another member of the site. I don't know the person from a hole in the wall, and normally would have either ignored the message, or responded flippantly. But the content of the message annoyed me, so I responded when I probably shouldn't have.

I don't recall exact wording off the top of my head, but the essence of the message was, was I happy with my slave and his creativity? My response - First of all, lion is NOT a slave. he's a sub. There is a difference. Second of all, what does his creativity have to do with anything? Well apparently, according to this person, I could do a lot better than my lion, and apparently they're not the only one that thinks so.

Do I look like I give a crap what anyone online thinks about my lion and our relationship? As I told the individual, what is seen on the screen in an online environment isn't even the tip of the iceberg of my interactions with lion. Judging someone based on a few comments made online is rather stupid and shallow. If you don't know me, and don't know my lion, please kindly keep your mouth shut. I don't want to hear about it.

I spoke with a friend of mine about what happened. His take on it was that it sounded like someone was angling to get me to dump lion so I'd be free to take on other subs, since I've said repeatedly that I won't hand out collars to anyone, unless lion asks me for a collar brother. (Somehow, I doubt that's going to happen.) But why on earth would I ever consider taking on a sub who had badmouthed someone else in an attempt to get close to me? A bit assbackwards, if you ask me.

It reminded me of way back when, when I wore Brett's collar. I was constantly being accused of being a 'bad sub', and people kept telling him that he could do better than me, that I wasn't really a sub and that he should dump me and choose someone else. The truth was, what people saw of our interactions were only the barest pinprick of what really went on between us. Brett and I were matched in ways that most people can't even imagine, much as lion and I are matched.

So to all the people out there, who take one look at two people, and judge them based on that limited view...bite me. My lion is MINE, and nothing anyone says is going to change that.

My stage in submission

Think trying to define what submission is for me is rather difficult at this stage.  Well I have been going to a BDSM chat room (dungeon myst) over at poolsidechat.com for awhile now, I haven’t really giving much more then a passing thought as to what submission really is.  I’ve sorta already knew when I first started to look into BDSM, that I wasn’t now, or would I ever be Dom material.

My first entrance into learning a bit about what BDSM was was a person I use to talk to at the chat site who started off using the name dragonlady and then eventually became topaz.  She revealed to me that she was a submissive and had talked to me a bit about it, linked some writings on BDSM that I believe was over at castle realm which is no longer assessable at this time.  I want to start picking up some books or find some good reading online to read that may be able to help me find the submissive inside me, but not sure what would be good sources.

I think what initially led me to try being a submissive in the room instead of a just general observer was when I read a little bit about female led relationships.  Not really a strictly BDSM topic I know, but I rather liked the idea of not having the traditional, the guy is head of household sort of relationship.

Reading a bit along those lines I had recalled a conversation and recalled it again not that long ago when I was talking in the new chat site I have been going to over at soi.hyperchat.com, about talking to my sister about how it was supposedly the guy’s job to ask a woman out.  And I always wondered how did we find ourselves in a world that it so diverse that there are these ridged dynamics of what it is to be manly or to be ladylike?

But later on, after reading some other blogs, trying to find blogs by submissive men, I came across some post by edge of vanilla and unspeakable axe, on male chastity.  What surprised me about this, was I was reading these little stories about the intimacy they where having while being in chastity and thinking to myself, god that sounds hot, even though, I am some one who has not had a very sexually active life at this point.

I have had three sexual partners over the course of my life, and I think I did not really lose my virginity till i was with the second of those.  Not to say that I did not try to have sex with the first, but it was awkward and I don’t think either of us really got to much of real enjoyment out of it.

So now that I’m with Cridhe, and I have been thinking about writing it before I was assigned to write about submission, I had already been trying to think of what I would write or say if someone where to try and ask me, what is submission to you?

Its a question that I don’t know I have the answer for.  I could tell them, that I have always wanted a woman to be in control of our relationship, that much is true, I could tell them that orgasm control, or denial have turned out to be a turn on for me, least in thought.  That I want the woman I am with to help guide me in my life, to help me be better then I am.  But I don’t any of that any of that by themselves would be submission.

I do however like the idea of being told to do things and being rewarded or punished for doing them, though obviously less so the being punished part.  What things do I want to be told to do?  How well would I be able to follow orders? these are question I don’t know that I have easy answers for.  I certainly could see the things I would like to be told to do in the bedroom, to have discussions about our sex lives and how to better fulfill what each other wants, but what about outside the bed room?

I hope as things progress with me and Cridhe, that later down the road, I will be more easily able to answer that yes I am submissive, and this is what it is that makes me submissive.


Smoking and my Life

Been saying I want to quite smoking now for awhile, but I keep ended up giving in and buying more anyways.  Really could use the extra money that I spend on them right now.  Aslo there is the fact that Cridhe is allergic to them, and wouldn’t want her to not to be able to get close to me when we are together in real life.

Dad’s been paving in Mass, and I’ve been sorta by myself, trying my best to provide my own meals and such.

Keep tapping in tt my savings for food and to buy more smokes though.  I really need to quite doing that.  Specially if I want to have more money this fall, for when i meet with Cridhe.  Feel horrible that I do not have the willpower to just quit.

Evening while I was sitting at work writing this, the pack that I had bought on my way to work was nearly two thirds gone.

I also had a assignment from my Mistress, that she had gave me when we where chatting together and for some reason I referred to her as Love towards the end of the night when we where getting ready to call it a night and what prompted the Assignment I was giving.

Though I suspect it was partly do to the disconnect between how i was talking to her on Yahoo and talking in the chat room.  On Yahoo, I called her hon amount other things and in the room i was suppose to say Mistress, I thought Mistress, I didn’t type Mistress.

I felt a bit worst that I slipped being that it was our three month anniversary, but will just have to do better in the future, and try to call her Mistress more as that is what she is to me.

We had also talked about some new training that she has planned for me.  I was sorta expecting what she would have to say to be longer, and perhaps more involved, but then I don’t really know what I was expecting really.

I was sent three postures to become familiar with.  I was already somewhat familiar with the two kneeling ones from when I was BLA sub for a short while.  Though I hadn’t really tired those in person, in real life, but I did a bit this morning, and well, they are a bit uncomfortable.

Specifically I tried the kneeling with my thighs parted, my hands face up on my thighs, back strait and didn’t bother with the down cast eyes as I know Mistress would prefer I look at Her.

I’ve also sorta been jealous, not horrible, but I know its there of the other submissive males that she has been talking to, and working with on different things, not so much cause she’s been talking to them, but cause of my situation with Her, I’m lucky to get a bit of alone time, and has been awhile since I heard her voice.  But I know I have truly nothing to fear, as I’m reminded this in ways almost daily without it really needing to be said.  I have giving my trust to Her, that she would not do something to harm me in any way.

My real life has been hectic right now and that makes it hard to spend the time with my Mistress that I crave to spend with her, its frustrating to be able to spend as much time with her as I want to be spending.

I don’t know if I’m walking home or if I’ll have a ride, most days I know I’m walking to work at least.  Guess least knowing that much is good, and that I’ll have a ride home on Thursday's, thanks to J.

I may be moving closer to where I work now, I may not, I may be moving to another state I may not, I just wish i knew for sure where I was going.  Course ultimately the only place I want to be is with Cridhe.


Three months together

Feel almost bad as I did remember to note the first month that we had been together but the second and third almost seemed to fly by and though it probably would have dawned on me later in the day that today is three month anniversary since I've started wearing the collar that is around my neck in real life and online.

I can't not truly say what these months have meant to me since I've found Cridhe, cause I don't think there are words that could possibly do it justice.

I look forward to the months to come, and hopefully many years to come as well.

Happy anniversary my love, and owner of my heart.


three months

Three months down...a million more to go. Happy anniversary my lion.


Hobbies in a D/s relationship

I was listening to one of the most recent podcast from Erotic Awaking, where they answered a question from a listener wanted to know about giving up hobbies as part of a D/s Relationship.

I think largely what hobbies your allowed will depend on you, and the person your entering a D/s relationship.  You should know before hand what hobbies you have that are most important to you, and if your going to be willing to give up said hobbies.

If you have a hobby that is important to you, not necessarily just when entering a D/s relationship but any relationship really, you should discuss this hobby, specially if its one that consumes a fair bit of money and personal time.

In my case I don't really have any hobbies that are so important to me that I couldn't really see giving them up, I might go a bit nuts with out least some computer time in my free time, but otherwise most things I could care less about.  Part of why i even do some of the things I do is just to keep busy.

But if your hobby is really important to you, and you enter a relationship without first really stating that this is something you really enjoy doing, you should make it clear ahead of time and either find a way to continue doing what you enjoy but still allows you to be in the D/s relationship, or find someone more accepting of the hobby.

Thought I would be able to say more to this, but I guess thats really about all I can think of at the moment.