Prop 8 Ruled Unconstitutional

LOS ANGELES, CA - MAY 26:  Robin Tyler (L) and...Image by Getty Images via @daylife
It is with great pleasure, that in recent news I heard in the previous days, that I can say that the idiocy of Prop 8 has been overturned, well at least for now, until it reaches the US Supreme court, we have yet to see how it will ultimately hold out, but at the very least it is a step in the right direction.   Was wondering if this really horrible decision that was passed a ways back was going to stand.  While I have no personal reason to be opposed to the idiocy that allows the ban on gay marriage to happen in California, I'm neither gay, or a resident of California I am very much against ignorance.

Feel obligated since I watched it again to share, one mans words about the ban, that I just could not have said better myself if I had tried.

We have now come from this moment, some time back to a point where, while it may not have an immediate effect on gays and lesbians can marry in California again.  Perhaps the decision will at least help move us forward towards a world where people are treated as truly equals.

In a landmark decision today, a federal judge ruled that Proposition 8, the California ballot initiative that excluded same-sex couples from marriage in the state, violates the United States Constitution. The American Civil Liberties Union, the National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR) and Lambda Legal filed two friend-of-the-court briefs in the case supporting the argument that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional. -ACLU page on Perry v. Schwartzenegger

I always found it strange how some people react to gay marriage, as if two guys being married has any impact on them.  I never hear anyone going to their strait friends, Oh how could you do that, why would you two get married? do you have any idea how your marriage is going to impact my life?  Two strait people being married next to me isn't going to have any impact on me, so why would two men, two women, etc going to effect me? Other then maybe feel a little more bad if I'm having fantasies about a woman in a marriage.

And just to toss in another related video, cause I love the daily show.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorTea Party


Web Design Giving me a Headache

Been messing around a bit with some web design things, trying to figure out a way to make have a clip of a article on a page, that will zoom out so you can read the whole thing without really leaving the page.  But its not really working.  Think should just go with something more basic anyways cause would have to have it work a bit differently in Internet Explorer anyways.

Above is a screenshot of the way the page I've been messing with currently looks in Google Chrome, Safari, and Internet Explorer.

A Poem for our Five Month Anniversary

Sitting looking out at the clear evening sky,
My mind wonders with thought of you,
What have you thought about me today,
Am I on your mind as much as your on mine?
Our fifth month is approaching since you made me yours,
My life just has not been the same since that day.
I feel unworthy  though I know you would tell me I was,
You have completed me in ways that I am sure I have yet to fathom.
Where will you have taking me in one years time?
All I know is this journey we have set out on,
To a place filled with love so unfathomable to me,
That I scarcely dared to dream it possible.
One day I shall no longer yearn for your touch,
Without it being filled,
Or simply yearning for the sound of your voice,
I can not wait for the morning I wake up and you are there,
And I realize that this all was not just a dream.


Ignorance at Work

Image found from Pharyngula

Every now and then at work I overhear some things that just floor me. Not to long ago I over heard W talking with J, two people I was working with in Meats that day talking and heard mention about the KKK. Not really sure what, or how the conversation got started, but overheard W saying that "they should bring them back," referring to the KKK.

Aside from the obvious stupidity of the remark in that the KKK are still around, was the fact that I assumed she thought favorably about a racist, ignorant, white supremacy group. Had to bite my tongue cause wanted so badly to say something about that.

I have very little love for people who are ignorant, and bigoted. Almost wanted to ask here, "so your ok with slavery then? think people should be allowed to hang up other people cause of the color of their skin? or just cause they aren't white christians?"

Use to fight with my mom's old boyfriend R now and then cause of racist comments he would make now and then, mostly when he would watch his favorite sport, boxing.  Would hear him holler loudly, "get 'em get 'em, get that nigger!" and would drive me insane.  When would confront him about it, "I'm not racist, my ___ is black."  Just cause you know someone who is another race, and can tolerate being around them long enough for family functions of what have you, does not make you not a racist.  Thing that would bother me most, is it was clearly bothering me the way he would behave, and my mom would not say anything.

Another time at work I overheard one of my female co-workers, not one I work around, talking to another, and saying something about how she was glad her daughter was seeming to get out of the gay phase.  Again was another time I just wanted to say something, but rather then have problems at work, I didn't say, "really, I wasn't aware that gay was a phase someone went through, I could have sworn there where people who thats who they are their entire life."

By the way, I just had to toss in the, even the KKK thinks the Westboro Baptist Chruch are crazy image that I found posted on Pharyngula some time ago, along with this post.  And yes if you didn't know, the Westboro Baptist Chruch's website is GodHatesFags.com...


Audio and Video tags

Since Mistress wanted me to look into web design again since I brought up I had one time wanted to do that for a career I've been searching for what I can find on HTML 5 etc to try and get back in the swing of things. Found something that would have been helpful to know a bit ago when I was trying to find a audio player for a post that I was going to include a audio podcast with I believe.

Anyways I discovered there is a video and a audio tag now, but unfortunately neither works in Internet Explore and only certain types of audio / video are supported depending on your browser. I don't like Internet Explorer anyways so, its fine with me really. Below is a video that will work in Google Chrome and Safari.

Safari will allow you to watch it in full screen, while Google Chrome will simply allow you to play it. Don't watch the video far if your not ok with watching something Atheist related, it was just the first online video I was able to find a m4v file to include. If anyone knows any sites that can get the link to the mp4 etc from video sites, let me know please.

Here is a audio from Masocast episode 36, this will only work in Google Chrome and Safari again, Firefox only supports ogg format.

Hopefully this will become a more standard way of putting video into webpages without using flash. You can try watching YouTube videos by the way I found out today using HTML 5 by going to YouTube HTML5 opt-in.

If you can't see either the video are the audio on this post, then you just have to trust me that they are there. Or are you going to be one of those the cake is a lie people?


Some time ago, I asked lion to start keeping a journal. It was meant to be a tool to help him focus a little more on his submission, since I know he still has questions about that, and to give him a place to write thoughts and questions so that we could discuss them later. I know only too well what it's like to think of something I'd like to talk about, then completely forget what it was when I finally have the chance to sit down with someone to discuss it.

I know he struggled with it for a while, but he's been doing quite well with it lately, and has been typing up his entries and sending them to me so that I can read what he's written. I don't think he realizes it, but I can see how much he's grown in his acceptance of his role in my life just in the past few months reflected in the journal entries he's shared with me. Every little bit of growth I see, in his submission and in his life in general, I celebrate, even though I don't always discuss it with him. I think putting too much emphasis on it would make him self conscious, so mostly I just mind my tongue and continue doing what I think needs to be done.

But I am proud of him. Not that long ago, almost every post would have contained some reference to the denial he's been undergoing, or a comment about his desire to cum. But recently, if it's mentioned at all, it's mentioned in passing. It's more of a statement then an attempt at a subtle request to be allowed to cum. I know that he wants and needs me to have that control over him, but at the same time, for so long he's been struggling against it. Seeing that acceptance at last makes me want to do little handsprings of joy, and then swoop him up and kiss him all over.

And I'm also proud of him for the recent posts pertaining more to his personal life than directly to our relationship. I want him to be happy, and I know he's not happy right now. If I can help guide him in his quest to find a career, or even a sideline job, that satisfies and fulfills him the way his current job doesn't, then I feel honoured for being allowed that role.

I know that our limited time together has been a hardship for him. It hasn't been easy for me either. But I look forward to opening my email every morning and finding a message from him containing his journal entries for the previous day. I love having that little glimpse into his life that I can't always share with him. And I really love finding something in his entries that gives me a reason to celebrate.


Chasity, Cuckolding, and no sex?

A pair of lions copulating in the Maasai Mara,...Image via Wikipedia
Was looking on Fetlife this morning to see if there was any response to a post I replied to last night and was completely stupified by a response that was posted, the only other response that had been posted, the only response that has been posted as of yet.
...I could see some of the guys who get carried away hurting their relationship... I know it would be detrimental to be locked up much more than a week... We both love sex and we dont beleive in Cuckholding... we feel that would hurt our relationship. There are many who go full years with out sleeping with their wives. Thats not for me. I feel that if implimented correctly it will do only great things. Some slaves focus more on the chastity than their key holder. they say i want to be locked for ever, they are saying they dont want to have sex and that could hurt a monogamous relationship or any relationship for that matter.
Main thing I could think of reading this, was what the fuck is this guy talking about?  I think he has some rather limited ideas that either come from ignorance or..well I don't really know what?  Pretty sure he doesn't really know a whole lot about chastity, and probably not cuckolding or why some people may just have a general lack of sex compared to others.

The reply came from a post I saw in the male Chastity and Orgasm tease and denial group on Fetlife, titled "Has chastity damaged your marriage?"  The poster seemed to be looking for what could go wrong with chastity.  Its the wrong question to be asking really, but I'll try to get that.

The original poster said
I'm just wondering if there are any horror stories of how chastity has been damaging to a relationship, and if so any recommendations on how to avoid those problems.
And my reply was
Just looking through some post looking for something else, but was curious so I clicked. I'm not exactly currently in chastity but Mistress and I have been looking at devices for me and trying to decide on one.

Only way I can see the chastity being harmful to a relationship is if the chastity is a must for one of the people and a turn off for the other person.

If its is a absolute must for one the people involved then it should be communicated previously, preferably before marriage even happened, and tried before getting married as well.

But the main thing I just communicate honestly and openly about each others expectations as to the chastity and all should be fine. Always have open communication going on how each other is feeling.

Also remember just cause one person is in chastity, doesn't mean the other person can't be intimate, I mean thats part of the fun right? someone in chastity being teased to hell and un-able to get hard or do a damn thing about it? Who can be used to please their partner with no hope of release themselves?
Honesty and open communication is really the best way, and something that has to happen throughout a relationship that includes chastity, or even if it doesn't.  With chastity though you need to make sure that both of you are communicating about how everything is going and how you are feeling, and just cause your relationship includes chastity, does not mean that it necessarily has to always.  Sometimes it may be needed to take a break and focus on each other.

The person that replied after me brought up cuckolding, and lack of sex as potential problems with chastity, and far as I'm concerned these are very different issues then the chastity itself.

Lets start with cuckolding to start with.  Cuckolding for those of you who are not aware of the term is a word means, "The normal definition of a cuckold is a married man whose wife cheats on him with or without his knowledge (it is usually with the male's knowledge and sometimes consent, to be a true 'fetish'). A cuckold fetishist is aware of his partner's activity and derives sexual pleasure from it." according to part of the wikipedia on it and my best understanding of it, so we will go with that.

Regardless to the length of chastity, weeks, months, years, that your partner should have to go out and find sex elsewhere, is just plain silly.  Just cause they might be in chastity for some time, doesn't mean that there is no sex to be had for their partner with them.  Get a strap-on, let your partner ride the device if its possible for them to obtain climax that way and they enjoy it.

I like some of the stories I've read over at Unspeakable Axe on chastity, and describing some hot love making sessions  while in chastity.  They are very very hot and I really wish I could read more of them.  If anyone knows of some other good places with stories like those, please tell me..please? puppy dog eyes?

The lack of sex thing could take far more to try and talk about so I'm going to try and be as quick and to the point as I can about it.  Sometimes in people's forties their libido takes a nose dive.  It is pretty normal, and doesn't always mean the end of sex.   And again, just cause someone is in chastity doesn't mean that there partner isn't getting any sex from them either.


Missing Private Time With Mistress

Mistress AbsoluteImage via Wikipedia
Really been missing having time with Mistress.  I know that right now she is having a rough time, but at the same time I just want things to go back the way they where, when we could get on skype and talk more verbally, or would call now and then in the morning, but also know at the same time that even if she was not in a bit of a rough spot, that would not happen as often as I might like.

But she is my love, my mistress and would do anything just to be able to hear her voice more, but aside from that I just want to be able to do more for her.  Feel like a horribly selfish person that even though something is going on with her, that I just sorta want to say, look at me, I'm right over here...cross a country border, and several states away...but I'm here...aren't I wonderful-ish?

Then I remember that I haven't really been doing as much as I should be doing either even without talking to her, without those reminders that I am hers.  Course should not really need reminding when I wear one around my neck, ever day, all day, when I shower, work, sleep, etc.

I have not been kneeling every morning like I am suppose to.  Haven't been eating breakfast, I try to, but then last few mornings especially I have been getting up late, and just sort of space a fair number of things.  I been trying to keep up with writing in my journal and been meaning to get around to scanning or photoing the pages, but I don't know if D has a scanner, and for some reason haven't just taking my camera and taking a couple snap shots of pages.  Not sure how well she would be able able to read my handwriting anyways, so been thinking I should just write some of the entries if I promised not to modify what I wrote and just type what I wrote on the paper.

This post is from my journal, though its not word for work, I'm expanding a bit and re-organizing some thoughts, but for the most part is what I was thinking about today.  One thing that annoys me sometimes when I write is I will have thought out this well put paragraph in my head, but could not write it down right then at the time and later when I go to finally write it down, I wonder what happened to that paragraph I was thinking about?

Lately just feels like a void has been creeping in between me Mistress, and I'm trying as hard as I can to see her through it.  I'm really hoping that when this fall comes that it will help more solidify things between me and her and bring us closer then I even dream possible, but I also need to work harder at budgeting my spending so that I actually will have money saved up this fall, cause I won't be satisfied if it gets this fall and I'm as broke as I am now.  Need to look more into where we are going to be staying this fall as well, find somewhere private.

Just as a aside from the main point of this post I'm glad that there are people who enjoy what I write aside from Cridhe, though the main point of writing most this is for her.  I'm glad for the praise that I've gotten from some of the people over kittenplay.org which I joined not long ago just to sorta see what it was about after finding the link from Miss and pet over on Tumblr.


Things I wouldn't want to try

Been meaning to work on this for a bit now, is part two of my recent homework assignment my Mistress Cridhe had giving me.  The first part is in the previous post I wrote lionheart's fears.  While since I'm home and Mistress wasn't responding to my I'm home message and now has gone offline..*sighs*.  I started to look a bit to try and write my assignment.

I was at first thinking of writing it on CBT, or cock and ball torture for those unfamiliar with the acronym in BDSM.  As I was thinking more about what she wanted me to do though, thought well, perhaps should just do it on knife play maybe, as that is something I'd be more afraid to do.  I don't like the thought of being cut very much.

Doing a little searching I came across in Wikipedia, that knife play is considered part of edge play and maybe edge play covers enough of the things I wouldn't want to do.  Edge Play according to Wikipedia is the following.
In BDSM, edgeplay is a subjective term for types of sexual play that are considered to be pushing on the edge of the traditional safe, sane and consensual creed.
In other words edge play is play that if not careful, and even when being careful could cause some harm.  I'm not really sure if CBT falls under this, but depending on what is done I suppose it could, such as the photo I saw over at fetlife where a guy had nailed hammered I guess into his scrotum; The link to the comment a friend of mine on the photo isn't showing anymore so can't link to it.  Though I suppose that is just as well as I don't want to see it again.

What I don't like about the thought of CBT, is that area is quiet sensitive and I wouldn't want some of the things that I've seen searching for male submission done to me in that area.  I could possibly see a ball stretcher, that would be fine I think, but things like stepping on my cock and balls, least with a fair bit of pressure behind it, rather not thanks.  Certainly don't want nails puncturing it or anything rather extreme.  Maybe could do clamps, but don't know about that.  Rather tempted to pick up some clamps to try anyways.

Anyways back to knifes and other cutting instruments, also things like needles and so on.  I'm not a fan of the sight of blood, nor am I of being cut, though some of the images of the aftermath of cutting can be kinda interesting to look at.  See the photo I included and also this one over at Maybe Maimed but Never Harmed.

It is honestly very striking and I like the way it looks, and also linking to two photo's from Maybe Maimed cause the link came up while searching for some posts and they are of one of my favorite podcast person on kink on tap, Maymay.

Anyways I think part of the reason I don't like the thought of blood drawn, no matter the method, is when I was younger I was having blood drawn at least once a month, though seems like it may have been more often then that.  Not sure I remember why I had to have the blood drawn though.  But I get a little queasy at the sight of blood.

One of the other types of play that was mentioned under edge play was breath play, which is much as it sounds controlling the breathing of someone.  While for the most part I think if someone was trying to actually cut of my air would send me into panic, the thought of Cridhe's hand around my throat applying pressure is somehow very calming.  I almost think that is a bit of a contradiction, but I don't know.


Thur HNT #1

Kneeling in the morning like I'm suppose to

lionheart's fears

4 piercees at the Death Equinox '99 convention...Image via Wikipedia

Mistress asked me to write down a list of my fears for her.  The list is actually rather short, but here goes.

  1. Heights:  I'm not very big fan of heights, though that has usually never stopped me from climbing trees.  Also think this one of the reasons I don't think I could enjoy suspension play.
  2. Needles: I am defiantly not a very big fan of needle play ideas either, though sometimes some of the photo's of people with needles in them in patterns can be a bit interesting, I don't like needles for a couple reasons.  One they are needles ... and two I don't like the sight of blood if there was any.
  3. Crowded Places: I can't standing being boxed in by a large number of people, I get nervous and not really sure why.  I don't think it has to do with confined spaces per-say but being in a enclosed area with allot of people makes me just want to get out.
  4. The Dark: Well I'm not overly scared of the dark, not being able to see so well at night freaks me out a little bit.
Think that is about it really.  What sorta of things are you my readers afraid of?


Why I like the idea of chastity

The Curve chastity cage. Note the serial numbe...Image via Wikipedia
Thought perhaps I should write something about what intrigues me about male chastity and why I would want to be in a chastity cage, and controlled in this manner. Been thinking about writing this for a awhile, but was not really sure where I should start.

Guess the easiest place for me to start is with what first, turned me onto the idea of how hot male chastity could be. I was doing some searching, looking for blogs by male submissive writers, something that is apparently rather hard to do. I would come across a large number of sites from a female submissive point of view and skip right past it. Perhaps not the most conductive thing to my search to find myself as a submissive, and perhaps I should try searching again sometime for just general submissive blogs.

Anyways one of the blogs I found at first was by someone who doesn't claim to be submissive and if he is or not, is not really something I feel privy to discuss as I'm not always certain what submission really is. but the blog was titled, "The Edge of Vanilla." was a interesting title and guess what grabbed my attention to click the link and take a look at what it was about.  I was glancing over some of the post and found one that I started read I was amazed at how hot I was finding it.  I'm not really certain, it could have been this post, "Coming Together: 2" or another. but one thing was sure, I was aroused.
“Mmmm. You know how long it’s going to be this time?”
“However long you decide,” I answered.
She closed her eyes again. “That’s right. You know why?”
“Because I’m in charge,” she said simply.
“I want you to be in charge,” I whispered into her ear. “I want you to let it go as long as you want. Maybe we’ll take this out for a whole year.”
“Oooh… Jesus…”
I lifted myself up higher to watch her face while she came.
She was smiling.
Afterward, I removed the dil… er, her cock, and held her.
“Driving all the way here, I was thinking that I needed to have a talk with you about this,” I told her. “I’ve been hoping that we could change what we’ve been doing, but, wow, I didn’t expect this.”
“How are you feeling about it?” she asked.
“Exhilarated. Like, it’s really exciting, but I’m a little scared, too, at what you might actually do.” I kissed her. “We’re going to need to talk about this later.”
She nodded. “We’ll have plenty of time later,” she said. “Are you horny, yet?”
“I’m not really sure. I’m excited and aroused, but I’m oddly satisfied. Thank you, this was really good for me.”
I was surprised I was being aroused by it, but more so by the idea that I might actually want to be in a chastity cage, or just plain denied release.  It was hot the idea of giving up control over when and if I came to someone.

What I like about is she gets to decide when I cum, how I cum, and could possibly, where I cum.  If she text-ed me and told me she wanted me to cum on my next lunch, I'm pretty sure I would go right to the bathroom and cum for Her, though that would be a bit embarrassing and would have to worry about people ease dropping.  I don't want a set sort of schedule for it either, I just want her to decide ok, tonight I am going to take you, fuck you and let you cum, or maybe just fuck me then say..no..no..hold back, you are not allowed tonight.

The combination of typing this and talking to Cridhe right now is a bit much as well, getting hard just thinking about this, and wanting release so bad, but not being giving permission.  Is such sweet torment.

At some point I should be getting the CB The Curve chastity device, and I so can't wait to be strapped into it.  Should be interesting, though wondering how I will handle Mistress' torment while being caged when I won't even be allowed to get hard..and is almost counterintuitive that I get hard from the idea of being caged where I won't be able to get hard.


Cheating and Honesty

A young woman and man embracing while outdoors.Image via Wikipedia
Read a bit about cheating over at Anonymous 8( The Many Voices of Infidelity, Cheating on a Cheater ), and then was just listening to the View ( July 2 ) on Hulu, but haven't bothered to finish watching the view yet.  Part of what I hear every time I listen to people talk about cheating on, is the total lack of honesty, and almost emphasis on not telling, do to children, money concerns etc, or perhaps that these people are just not monogamous inclined.

The thing I rarely hear anyone talk about, when they do talk about cheating is the why did they cheat? why wasn't it something they where open and honest with their partner before it came to cheating?

I am a strong believe that you need to try and be honest, I know its often times easier said then done, but ultimately if you don't come clean and tell the other person for fear of letting them down, hurting them, hurting your family, its just going to grow into a bigger problem and at the same time is going to be a weight that you are taking around with you cause your not talking about it.

Now I don't have a list of studies as to what reason people give for cheating, but lets just take some rough examples to look at.

Somebody cheated cause there isn't enough intimacy in there relationship.
Alright so rather then talk to your significant other about something that is obviously a problem for you openly.  Trying to work out why its not there, how can can you work on bring it out more, is it work, do you have three kids that constantly need attention, maybe your wife is going though menopause, etc.  Your finding yourself wanting to go outside the bounds of your relationship to get sex elsewhere?

What should happen here is talking to your significant other, and trying to find a way to get the spice back in your relationship.  Find out whats inhibiting your ability to be intimate and try to find ways around them or to work out what is causing a problem.  

If you don't talk to your partner its never going to fix, and only going to create a bigger problem by cheating and then either lying about it, or telling the truth that it happened only to late.  Not only that often are they only admitting to the cheating, not the why they did.
You liked things better when you where single, you had sex with more people and didn't feel guilty about wanting to go out to the local sex club to get laid.
There are people out there who just want a open relationship, they try to force themselves into monogamous relationships because thats the way things are "suppose" to be.  Your not suppose to want to live with one person but be able to go out there and fool around or live with more then one person.  While being monogamous works for some people, that doesn't necessarily means it has to work for you.  There are people out there that are more then willing to be a in a relationship where they are a couple but are willing to be with other people outside the immediate relationship.

but this something again that you have to know for yourself and be willing to tell someone you are getting involved with so that they are alright with it.
Your relationship is over, you've tried to fix things but they just aren't working..
If you've tried everything you can possibly think of to fix your relationship and have talked to the person your are involved with honestly about what isn't working for you and are unable to reconcile things, you may start looking for another person to be with.

If for whatever reason you have basically decided that you need to move on, and find someone else, there could be problems such as not payed expenses, our children and possibly others that you may not want to bring up, or been advised not to seek divorce until after you can find a way to support you and your children, or the bills are payed or whatever needed to be done.

And its important i think that I note while I'm writing these things, they are the way I think I would like to handle them ideally if I was the one thinking of being with someone else.  That I would like to be honest and upfront about everything.
Ideally should be able to say that while things aren't working out, lets least take care of these things before we go ahead and leave, though there may be more immediate reason to leave if the situation is abusive.

If you in a abusive relationship, get out, do whatever you have to get out.  I don't care if you have kids together, I don't care that you have expenses, get your ass out of the relationship now.

This may be all a bit idealistic, but I think its important that you should be comfortable enough to talk to your significant other about what is working in your relationship, what you think could be better, and understand that while you may wish for something to be different, you may have to come up with some creative compromises to make things the best they can be for you.


Domme by Default

Thought today, I would post a review of a e-book I ready last night and finished this morning titled Domme By Default.  I haven't really been one to read erotica much.  I do from time to time, though, honestly in the past its just been to help me get some sorta of extra stimulus when I couldn't watch a porn video.

Part of the reason I got this book though was that it also was on BDSM and had a female dominant as the main character.  Over all I enjoyed the book, but I think it could have ultimately have been better.  It felt a bit rushed and some points where just not expended upon to much.   Such as the talk the friend of the main character gives to her husband on the phone.

I'm going to have to use words like her or him to refer to the characters as I'm sitting here scanning back over the pages of the text to see if anywhere in it that it refers to their names, but I don't believe it did at all.  This may have been purposeful to help put you in the story, but feel it leaves a little be to be desired.

That said I felt I needed to write a review of the book as it did give me some points to think about as I was reading it.  It also brought up a bit of one thing I think could be hot, but then don't know for not having experienced as of yet, which is to be "fucked" by my Mistress.

It also brought out a bit about the selfish submissive which I think sorcha had brought up to me one night, only in a different way, where we had talked about how its not about what I want.  I still find possibly some fault there, but I generally know what she meant I believe.

Some of the good points that I liked was the mention of things that well aren't really new to me, but I felt where some places it did deliver somewhat well where things like a "day collar" and a "play collar."  The collar I wear at this very moment, while typing this and have worn for four months now, is what someone could call a day collar, I love my day collar and that it is a reminder for me, even if no one else noticed or cares, but is a reminder to me that I am Cridhe's.

But the idea of a play collar, or at least the more prominent, you can't mistake this for something else collar excites me as well.  I think it would be sort of nice to have a nightly ritual or whatever time it is when we are home and not going anywhere a more bold collar may not be as welcome to have a thicker collar with the D-ring for a leash to be put around my neck.  Heck when I meet with Cridhe I just want to take this one off and have Her put it back on me just for the sake of having her "collar me" in real life.
"Behind him from the doorway, I watched as he stared at his reflection and ran his fingers over the collar, his smile etched on every inch of his sweet face."
Another point that it brought up that I don't think I've really heard put into words in such a way before was the idea of a "dom drop" or a time where the dominate in the relationship just needs some relax time, time to just be a couple and unwind or perhaps something else.  The book does give a bit of a interesting way the husband surprises his wife way of doing this later in the book that I'll leave out for a couple reason.

I did sorta like the conversation between his wife and her friend Tony who helped her when she was struggling at one point, being new to being the dominate, not something I am sure I would have to worry about with Cridhe, but I thought would most likely be useful to others in knowing that you can't very well expect someone to know somethings you haven't taught them.  It could be obvious to you, but they might not find it so obvious.
"You know these things," he patiently explained, "but you can't expect him to know something he hasn't been taught."
So anyways think over all I'd recommend reading the book to anyone interested in female dominance or being the one rule by such a female.

Four Months

Was trying to think a bit about what I would post as I should have wrote a bit before now, least feel like I should for well, what readers who are reading this would know. Know one has really asked about the post so much. Though I did have Candella ask me after the post was made if I was doing alright.

Candella and I haven't been in touch much since I left her collar and eventually ended up in Cridhe's but I do still talk to her from time to time.  Cause even though I decided that I didn't think that Candella and I was the right fit, I still would like to be her friend.  She is someone I will always care about regardless of who I am with, or what collar I wear.  I do still have the bracelet that she sent me around here some place.

Anyways I don't want to dwell to much on what prompted the transgression, not that it is not important, but want to focus on what is important to me, and that is my Mistress Cridhe.  I do want to say this, it was hard admitting that I had betrayed her trust in me.  I did not really want to tell her.  I thought about just trying harder and pretending it didn't happen.  But I couldn't do that, not to my Mistress who I love, even though she wouldn't know it if I didn't tell her, I would and that was reason enough for me to tell her.

I want to be fully honest with my Mistress, I want her to be able to trust me, and to be open with her.  I want both of us to be able to speak our minds as much as possible.

One thing she said sorta took me a back a bit, "I love making him cry because he's gone all mushy inside over something I've said or done." I do not think I have actually come right out and admitting that there are times when my eyes do well up with tears at how happy my Mistress makes me.

The distance right now between us, physically is a bit draining at time, its hard to always center myself in the distance cause there is so many times I just want to be touched by her, and to be able to touch her in return.  Right now I am just sitting here missing her terribly as its nearly one in the morning here and I should be going to bed soon, as it will be my bedtime.  I want my time with her though, i crave my time with her.

Right now we have been celebrating months since we have come into each other's lives, but I've thought a few times that after we met and after its been a year that perhaps we would go to only celebrating the years we have been together, but perhaps not.  Who knows, some time from now maybe I'll be saying well today is our seven year and four month anniversary and have someone ask me why I still count the months? and perhaps reply with something along the lines cause it would be a bit to tedious to keep track of the minuets that I have been with her.  Not that I remember the exact time, other then it was in the evening that I got the collar and put it on.

I'm still a bit worried about this coming fall cause I do need to try and find where we can spend some good quality private time together and not have to worry to much about my room mates or other people.  If anyone around the Claremont, New Hampshire area ends up reading this and has some ideas, please do share.



On July 3rd, 2010, lion and I celebrated our 4 month anniversary. I know some people think it's a bit silly to be celebrating monthly anniversaries at our age, but I think it's important, for several reasons.

The main reason, though, is a reminder to lion how special he is to me, and how blessed I feel to have him in my life. The week leading up to this anniversary highlighted how important that reminder is. Anyone who read lion's last blog post will know that we hit a bit of a bump in our road together. But it was dealt with. And I think lion is much happier now, despite the fact that it may be a long time before he cums again.

As an aside, although I've told him, I want to say it again, in print that anyone can read... I am incredibly proud of lion for confessing the transgression. There was no way I would ever have known about it if he hadn't told me, and he had to know that I would be disappointed, and that the punishment would be unpleasant, at best. And yet he still had to courage, and honesty, to confess. And that just makes me glow with pride in my own.

Back to the anniversary stuff...

Aside from the reminder to lion how important he is to me, celebrating monthly anniversaries has another benefit. It satisfies the absolute mush in me, and gives me a reason to spoil my boy. I love surprising him. I love making him cry because he's gone all mushy inside over something I've said or done. I love him... What else needs to be said?


Disappointing my Mistress

Much as I hate that I've disappointed my Mistress, I have, and I knew she would be disappointed in me before I admitted to failing to keep the gift I had giving her.  I feel horrible about it, I felt discussed with myself  even after I had done it and had not told her about it yet.

What did I do? I came without permission, though I tried to justify it in my head at first as if I had done nothing wrong, but it gnawed at me that I had broken my word to her, that I had giving into my lust, and had done so not on my days off like I was told I could, but a couple days before my days off, though that should have actually been over as I have a steady place to stay for a good while.

I didn't want to tell her, I didn't want to hurt her, but I had to tell her, so I tried to work myself up to telling her and well I felt better for least coming clean, but worst for having her disappointed in me.

So why did I do it?  I was horny obviously, but that wasn't the reason, I've been aching for release before and not masturbated, but the night before last Mistress wasn't on at all when I got home, I waited to about 2am and still hadn't seen Her.

I think partly just cause lately, the last few weeks just hadn't been doing it for me, She had told me that i could cum once a week on my days off, but I didn't want to just have permission once a week, I had wanted her to want me to.  That I was cumming when and where she wanted me to do so.  To ask her and have her tell me to now, or possibly to say hmm...no not tonight, was so hot that night where i got so close and was told no..

I know its not Her fault that we haven't been able to get our time on Skype together where she could hear me and I could hear her, as real life has just been a pain the ass for both of us.  But with so much less moments where it was more real to me, knowing she's listening to me, my whimpers, and my want, its been more frustrating to me.

I do still want her in control of my releases, and hopefully she will forgive me.

Aside from that I've been wanting to do more as a submissive, to learn to better serve her, to have her in control of more of my life then at present.


You are beautiful like demolition

Sorta rather liked this image and quote, so felt I had to post it here aside from just on my Tumblr.

You are beautiful like demolition. Just the thought of you draws my knuckles white. I don’t need a god. I have you and your beautiful mouth, your hands holding onto me, the nails leaving unfelt wounds, your hot breath on my neck. The taste of your saliva. The darkness is ours. The nights belong to us. Everything we do is secret. Nothing we do will ever be understood; we will be feared and kept well away from. It will be the stuff of legend, endless discussion and limitless inspiration for the brave of heart. It’s you and me in this room, on this floor. Beyond life, beyond morality. We are gleaming animals painted in moonlit sweat glow. Our eyes turn to jewels and everything we do is an example of spontaneous perfection.
… Henri Rollins


This Weeks Release

Well another week has gone past and was really really hoping to have Mistress on Skype again finally so that we could enjoy some one on one time.  But instead I had to settle for using my imagination and cuming without her delightful voice in my ear, listening to her own moans as I came.

God I just want to so badly to hear her voice, but more then that I want to feel her touch.  I was very frustrated when I found out that there would be no Skype tonight.  I almost brought it up sooner, but waited semi patiently to see what the answer would end up being.

Wasn't to be tonight, so frustration over not being able to hear her, I still had my permission to cum tonight even though, its never as good cumming on my own, without her.  I know she wanted me to cum even if she couldn't be the one directly helping me to that point, and she wanted me to use a toy, so I just surfed a bit watching a couple videos on kink academy.

I watched one on "deep throating" and "messy blowjobs" not really sure why really, but after Mistress had gone to bed and I finished watching that I stripped off my clothes and lied back in my bed with my dildo.

Taking my lube, and using a bit around my anus, spreading it around the rim of my anus with my finger, just enjoying the sensation, then taking some more lube and lubing up my dildo very well, and slowly inserted it.

Thrusting it slow in and out of my anus, enjoying the feeling of it, my mind going to thoughts of her using it on me, either fucking me with a strap-on or just using her hand to thrust the dildo inside of me.  Every time I use the didlo on myself I can't help but reach for my cock and start stroking, thinking of her hand circling my cock and slowly thrusting up and down the length of me while thrusting the dildo faster in and out.

It doesn't take all that long this way for me to reach my climax, feeling myself cumming hard with my release, and laying there my wrist throbbing a bit from the effort as I'm still not very use to thrusting a dildo in my ass.  messaging my hand till it doesn't hurt as much, just laying there and letting the after glow go over me.

Apparently I'm much better at relaxing and taking a dildo inside me now, I was much more open then previous attempts I believe, and feels so much better.  Would love to have my Mistress fucking me with a strap-on.


Room on First Street

Today I moved into my first home away from my family, fitting that its on First St.  Its allot closer to work then where I was living before though.  Before where I was living, before I stayed with my mom until if found a place closer to work, I would be walking two to two and half hours to and sometimes from work to get home.

Going to take some getting use to, I couldn't afford to just move into a place by myself as most the places I could find in the paper where $800 a month, which I could have maybe swung $500 a month, but that's not enough really.

Course I need to get better at budgeting my money in general, and hopefully is something Cridhe can work with me on to get myself set on a budget.  I'm going to be staying with two people, who I will simply refer to as G and D for the time being, as would have to ask them before putting there actual names out there on the web.

When I was moving my stuff into the apartment, I had forgot my wireless adapter, so had to go back over to my mom's over in Springfield, to get that.  But is all set up now, though need to get some sort of USB hub I think to connect my iPod and such easier to my computer, without having to pull my tower forward to reach the plugs on the back of it.

D and G seem to be nice people, bit different, but suppose I'll get use to it in time.  But least I'm not just close to work but a number of other things like the movie theater, restaurants, various other stores.

Not sure how much I'll like staying here, but is only my first night, so will just have to see how everything goes.


Abortions and Women Serving the USA

Recieved a action alert today as I do semi-frequently from the ACLU about women serving in our military and not having access to abortions.
It is appalling that women serving in our military women who put their lives on the line to protect our freedoms are prevented from exercising their own reproductive freedom. Our citizens in uniform should not be stripped of their constitutional rights simply because they no longer wear civilian clothes.
I used the tool they provided to contact members of congress and added the following

I fully support a woman's right to choose, be it in the military serving our country not at home.  Having a child is one of the biggest decisions any family can make, and its one that shouldn't be taking lightly.  I think I remember reading somewhere that just having one child can increase the financial burden on a family about 30%.
Having access to abortions accessible helps insure that they choose a time that is right for them as well as helps women who have been the victims of sexual assault.  But also more needs to be done in the areas of proper non-abstinence only sexual education.  Women and Men need to be aware of and know how to use properly, condoms, contraceptives and options such as Plan B and the upcoming ellaOne emergency contraceptives. 


FGM to Shorten a Girls Clitoris

So looking at my blog reading this morning I come across a link from Carnal Nation leading to a article by Dan Savage on a new form of female genital mutilation that some of you may have already heard about.  The article is titled, "Female Genital Mutilation at Cornell University."

The type of mutilation talked about is something I believe the blog by PZ MyersPharyngula talked about recently in his post, Your daily squick.

Labiaplasty is simply another form of female genital mutilation, so I find that repellent. That women feel compelled to get their genitals sculpted to fit some inappropriate ideal is criminal…

The part of the article that is most repugnant though, isn't just that these young girls are having there clitoris reshaped to fit some ideal shape, but the follow up exams that they are being subjected to.

There's so much to be angry about I hardly know where to start. Applying a vibrator a girl's clitoris after it's been surgically shortened may demonstrate that she still has "sensation" in what's been left behind—that she still has a few nerve endings that function—but that's not proof that she hasn't been physically or emotionally harmed by the surgery and those traumatic follow-up "procedures." These post-op visits with the doctor and his vibrator do the girls no good—what can the doctor do if a girl reports no sensation? reassemble her clit?—and retaining sensation isn't proof that these girls will grow up to be healthy, sexually functional adults. All of the tissues that make up the clitoris—the glans, the stem, the erectile tissues—are important to sexual response, orgasm, and fulfillment, not just the part of the clitoris that's "normally" exposed.

There's another disturbing reason this surgery is being performed: girls with large clitorises are more likely to identify as lesbians when they grow up. Needless to say (or maybe not-so-needless): carving up a girl's clitoris does nothing to change the underlying hormonal and genetic factors that contribute to lesbian orientation and identity. Big clits don't make lesbians—lesbians sometimes make big clits. These surgeries are partly motivated by out-and-out homophobia, by the belief that "fixing" a large clit somehow prevents lesbianism. (Larger penises correlate positively with gayness in males but no one is out there shortening boys' penises.)

Its disturbing to say the least.  I'm rather against every form of genital mutilation be it boys are girls, but for girls especially.

and if you need something to get your mind of it, another borrow from the PZ Myers post..quick cute puppies..aren't they cute..


New Living Arangements

So recently, some things happened and my dad and I are being evicted from where we where living.  We or more correctly he was behind on rent amount other bills.  And for the time being I have moved back in with my mother, while I try to find a new place to live.

Its sorta frustrating in that I really didn't plan on having to find my own place, but now is rather forced to.  Staying with my mom is only a temporary solution to the problem.  Though its also very close to the third only person I've ever slept with, and get a sinking feeling in my stomach every time we go by where troutcall lives.

I have Cridhe now, but part of me, still misses seeing troutcall.  Sorta rather avoid seeing her though, as much as it might be nice to talk to her, I don't want to be dredging up longings for something that she didn't want.

Though as of today, it seems like I won't be staying with mom much longer.  A friend of my moms where she worked knew a lady looking to rent out a room.  Its a small place, though even in that small place, the room that I would be moving in would be larger then the one I had living in the trailer where I was living with my dad.


This weeks release

Since, my living arrangements and the inability to get much private Skype type with Mistress has been hampered for awhile, which is frustrating in its own rite, but has been awhile since i was lasted granted release.  And as was pointed out to me, I haven't really spoke much about the denial or the willful giving of the timing of my releases to when my Mistress pleases them.

I will only cover it briefly here to get to my writing about today's release for my Mistress, but has been more difficult then I would have thought to hold back on my little masturbation sessions.  Imaging it will be even more so when I finally get the cage that Mistress has promised me.  Its hard to resist touching myself when she is tormenting me via texts, and wanting so badly at night sometimes to just cum right then, but I don't, I maybe start touching myself, but I stop, wanting not just to wait for when I am allowed, but for when we can be on Skype together, wanting to hear her voice as I do.

So anyways, earlier today Mistress was teasing me a bit while I was preparing my dinner, some mac and cheese.  Was my first time making it.  And was reminded it was Tue, and because of the way things are right now, I've been granted permission to cum once a week.  I was getting quite turned on while cooking the food, but being that for one, my mother was home, couldn't really just go about masturbating in the middle of the kitchen, and two was in the middle of preparing dinner I had to wait till later.

Later in the evening I went to my room, my head had started throbbing but wanted to get my release even if it couldn't be with her voice in my ears as I did.  I had been wanting it badly most the week, though often don't mention as much.  Have a feeling the more I mentioned wanting the more teasing I would get.

Figure the best cure usually for a headache is a good cuming I lay down, thinking about Mistress, just idly running my hands over my length while I let my mind wonder.  A post coming to mind that I read about sleeping in bondage, of my hands tied above my head to the head board and my legs tied to a bar at the bottom of the bed, of Mistress sleeping with her head on my chest, and eventually of waking to her hand and mouth roaming over my chest.

Enjoying the feel of her mouth as she kisses over my chest, her nails raking and playing with my nipples, of my growing cock as I am now getting aroused from the attention she is giving me.  Hoping that she wants to grant me release finally.

Reaching for the lube I got from work since I left the others i had at home, some I had been wanting to try, but know it wouldn't be good for my toys anyways.  taking a hold of the wet platinum, and putting a small amount in my hand, making very slow strokes getting myself good and lubed up.

Back in my head I think of her hand gripping my cock, her hand moving up and down my length just as slowly, the soft feel of her flesh encompassing me.  Softly moaning with the pleasure that her hand is bringing me, but wanting so much more to have her take me, to ride me hard and fast.

Stroking myself faster as I think of you straddling me, enveloping my cock and riding me fast and hard, bringing me so close then denying me, stopping before i can cum, waiting trying to trash my hips to thrust my cock.

Finally you start again but this time bring me to a wonderful orgasm, cuming very hard, and laying back a bit lost in our love making.  Feeling you lay back down to cuddle against me and drifting off to rest once more, perhaps when we wake i'll be granted release again..perhaps not..either way, my love for you grows.


Searching for submission

Talking with Mistress in chat last night I was reminded of my last homework assignment which perplexed me as I had thought I had done that.  Least to the point that I was able to come up with when I sat down to do it that day.  She wanted more personal detail however, and think thats sorta why I left it somewhat vague though, is I don't know those details so much yet.

Submission has always been a interesting concept to me, but what exactly is it that a submissive does, what they are, what do they want?  What is that I truly want for that matter?

The first and foremost thing I want is simply to be in a long time loving relationship with a woman, and hopefully that woman is Cridhe, who is confident, smarter, whole loves to cuddle, and thunderstorms.  I'm glad Cridhe is also more well versed then I am when it comes to BDSM, and in time our relationship will grow to include more and more of the D/s dynamic.

But I'm still sorta lost when it comes to submission, I have a general want to be controlled sexually, but I know submission doesn't just have to end at the bedroom door.  Outside the bedroom the only things I can really think of that I do want is to be cared for and to have some better direction in my life, to feel less like I am always just stuck in a place where I am not all that happy.

Some things I may want to explore a bit is being flogged at some point, having a flogger used on me in various ways, and possibly being paddled.  Remember reading a post where some one described being paddled and then being held and soothed after it, and for them the paddling part wasn't the part they really liked, but the being held while they cried and where soothed in the arms of their Dom.  I could sorta see myself in that scenario possibly as being punished.

I could see myself probably blushing and embarrassed, walking behind my Mistress on a leash at some kink event, dressed in very little if anything at all, and though embarrassed enjoying just being led around like that.

I could possibly see myself doing some chores around the house in nothing but a frilly apron.

I don't know what the future will hold for me Cridhe, and how much D/s will be a aspect of that life, but I know I love her very much, and want to see where our life leads us.


Judgement - a minor rant

Last night I was sitting in a chatroom, having a discussion with a few online subs and friends. It was fairly enjoyable, as conversations go. I love picking people's brains to find out what motivates and draws them, as I believe I've mentioned before.

In the middle of this conversation, I received an internal mail message from another member of the site. I don't know the person from a hole in the wall, and normally would have either ignored the message, or responded flippantly. But the content of the message annoyed me, so I responded when I probably shouldn't have.

I don't recall exact wording off the top of my head, but the essence of the message was, was I happy with my slave and his creativity? My response - First of all, lion is NOT a slave. he's a sub. There is a difference. Second of all, what does his creativity have to do with anything? Well apparently, according to this person, I could do a lot better than my lion, and apparently they're not the only one that thinks so.

Do I look like I give a crap what anyone online thinks about my lion and our relationship? As I told the individual, what is seen on the screen in an online environment isn't even the tip of the iceberg of my interactions with lion. Judging someone based on a few comments made online is rather stupid and shallow. If you don't know me, and don't know my lion, please kindly keep your mouth shut. I don't want to hear about it.

I spoke with a friend of mine about what happened. His take on it was that it sounded like someone was angling to get me to dump lion so I'd be free to take on other subs, since I've said repeatedly that I won't hand out collars to anyone, unless lion asks me for a collar brother. (Somehow, I doubt that's going to happen.) But why on earth would I ever consider taking on a sub who had badmouthed someone else in an attempt to get close to me? A bit assbackwards, if you ask me.

It reminded me of way back when, when I wore Brett's collar. I was constantly being accused of being a 'bad sub', and people kept telling him that he could do better than me, that I wasn't really a sub and that he should dump me and choose someone else. The truth was, what people saw of our interactions were only the barest pinprick of what really went on between us. Brett and I were matched in ways that most people can't even imagine, much as lion and I are matched.

So to all the people out there, who take one look at two people, and judge them based on that limited view...bite me. My lion is MINE, and nothing anyone says is going to change that.

My stage in submission

Think trying to define what submission is for me is rather difficult at this stage.  Well I have been going to a BDSM chat room (dungeon myst) over at poolsidechat.com for awhile now, I haven’t really giving much more then a passing thought as to what submission really is.  I’ve sorta already knew when I first started to look into BDSM, that I wasn’t now, or would I ever be Dom material.

My first entrance into learning a bit about what BDSM was was a person I use to talk to at the chat site who started off using the name dragonlady and then eventually became topaz.  She revealed to me that she was a submissive and had talked to me a bit about it, linked some writings on BDSM that I believe was over at castle realm which is no longer assessable at this time.  I want to start picking up some books or find some good reading online to read that may be able to help me find the submissive inside me, but not sure what would be good sources.

I think what initially led me to try being a submissive in the room instead of a just general observer was when I read a little bit about female led relationships.  Not really a strictly BDSM topic I know, but I rather liked the idea of not having the traditional, the guy is head of household sort of relationship.

Reading a bit along those lines I had recalled a conversation and recalled it again not that long ago when I was talking in the new chat site I have been going to over at soi.hyperchat.com, about talking to my sister about how it was supposedly the guy’s job to ask a woman out.  And I always wondered how did we find ourselves in a world that it so diverse that there are these ridged dynamics of what it is to be manly or to be ladylike?

But later on, after reading some other blogs, trying to find blogs by submissive men, I came across some post by edge of vanilla and unspeakable axe, on male chastity.  What surprised me about this, was I was reading these little stories about the intimacy they where having while being in chastity and thinking to myself, god that sounds hot, even though, I am some one who has not had a very sexually active life at this point.

I have had three sexual partners over the course of my life, and I think I did not really lose my virginity till i was with the second of those.  Not to say that I did not try to have sex with the first, but it was awkward and I don’t think either of us really got to much of real enjoyment out of it.

So now that I’m with Cridhe, and I have been thinking about writing it before I was assigned to write about submission, I had already been trying to think of what I would write or say if someone where to try and ask me, what is submission to you?

Its a question that I don’t know I have the answer for.  I could tell them, that I have always wanted a woman to be in control of our relationship, that much is true, I could tell them that orgasm control, or denial have turned out to be a turn on for me, least in thought.  That I want the woman I am with to help guide me in my life, to help me be better then I am.  But I don’t any of that any of that by themselves would be submission.

I do however like the idea of being told to do things and being rewarded or punished for doing them, though obviously less so the being punished part.  What things do I want to be told to do?  How well would I be able to follow orders? these are question I don’t know that I have easy answers for.  I certainly could see the things I would like to be told to do in the bedroom, to have discussions about our sex lives and how to better fulfill what each other wants, but what about outside the bed room?

I hope as things progress with me and Cridhe, that later down the road, I will be more easily able to answer that yes I am submissive, and this is what it is that makes me submissive.