2010-07-27

Journal

Some time ago, I asked lion to start keeping a journal. It was meant to be a tool to help him focus a little more on his submission, since I know he still has questions about that, and to give him a place to write thoughts and questions so that we could discuss them later. I know only too well what it's like to think of something I'd like to talk about, then completely forget what it was when I finally have the chance to sit down with someone to discuss it.

I know he struggled with it for a while, but he's been doing quite well with it lately, and has been typing up his entries and sending them to me so that I can read what he's written. I don't think he realizes it, but I can see how much he's grown in his acceptance of his role in my life just in the past few months reflected in the journal entries he's shared with me. Every little bit of growth I see, in his submission and in his life in general, I celebrate, even though I don't always discuss it with him. I think putting too much emphasis on it would make him self conscious, so mostly I just mind my tongue and continue doing what I think needs to be done.

But I am proud of him. Not that long ago, almost every post would have contained some reference to the denial he's been undergoing, or a comment about his desire to cum. But recently, if it's mentioned at all, it's mentioned in passing. It's more of a statement then an attempt at a subtle request to be allowed to cum. I know that he wants and needs me to have that control over him, but at the same time, for so long he's been struggling against it. Seeing that acceptance at last makes me want to do little handsprings of joy, and then swoop him up and kiss him all over.

And I'm also proud of him for the recent posts pertaining more to his personal life than directly to our relationship. I want him to be happy, and I know he's not happy right now. If I can help guide him in his quest to find a career, or even a sideline job, that satisfies and fulfills him the way his current job doesn't, then I feel honoured for being allowed that role.

I know that our limited time together has been a hardship for him. It hasn't been easy for me either. But I look forward to opening my email every morning and finding a message from him containing his journal entries for the previous day. I love having that little glimpse into his life that I can't always share with him. And I really love finding something in his entries that gives me a reason to celebrate.