How do you 'teach' someone about BDSM, and in particular D/s? If someone comes to you and says 'teach me how to be a good sub', what do you say? And more importantly, what do you do?
I mean, everyone's take on BDSM is slightly different. That's one of the beautiful things about it. So I can teach someone the things that I like, but that won't necessarily help them with the next person they come across. I know some of the general postures that are often used, and can pass those along, but I have my favourites and my variations on those, so those lessons are going to be slanted to what I like. I know some of the general expectations of the majority of the community, but if I disagree with them, I'm certainly not going to perpetuate them, possibly setting a sub up for a whole lot of relearning at some later point. And then there's the whole 'good sub' thing. I can't teach someone else to be a 'good' sub. I can help give them skills and help them improve those skills. But submission is an individual thing. I can't make them more or less submissive, and I can't make it so that they'll be able to find a match with a 'good' Dom/me.
So what do I do when some approaches me and asks for teaching? It doesn't help that I'm a 'green' personality type, which means that I actually really enjoy teaching. But I can only teach what I already know, and I'm still learning and working things out for myself yet. With lion, it's a bit different, since the lessons we need to learn are best learned together, since we're aiming towards 'what works for us'. And with lion, I'm not worried about him having to unlearn 'bad' behavious later on in life in order for him to be able to be with someone else. Maybe I should be, but I'm not.
So how do I deal with it when some eager young sub comes to me, asking me to 'enlighten their ignorance' with my 'vast' knowledge of BDSM (yes, I'm being a bit heavy on the sarcasm there)?
The truth is, I have agreed to help one young sub find his way on this path through this lifestyle he has just stumbled on, and absolutely loves. He's young and new, and I don't mind sharing advice and teaching a few basic skills in the least. It appeals to the teacher in me.
his first lesson?
No means no. Period. I've seen the effects of someone pushed beyond their boundaries, and it's not pretty. That's why we set limits and safe words, to protect each other and ourselves. I don't care who you are or who you're with, if something is happening that you're not comfortable with, then you need to hold up a stop sign and halt the actions. Personally, I might talk you to death afterwards, exploring why it made you uncomfortable, but I will never push someone beyond their boundaries. Stretching those boundaries is another topic for another time.
his second lesson? The three core rules that I have. Everything else is an expectation, but for me, there are three rules that are an absolute must for a good strong relationship.
1) Respect - I believe that everyone deserves a basic amount of respect, until they either prove they don't deserve respect at all, or until they earn more respect. And that respect goes out to everyone, dominant, submissive, other, vanilla, etc.
2) Honesty - Honest communication is vital in any BDSM interaction, even the most casual of encounters. This ties back to the first lesson. Everyone needs to be able to be honest with themselves about their needs/wants/desires/fears/etc, and they also need to be honest with their partner about those same things. Otherwise they're setting themselves up for one hell of a potential backlash.
3) Courtesy - Like respect, I believe that everyone deserves basic common courtesy. This means being polite, and using words like please and thank you. It does not mean addressing everyone else as Master, Mistress, Ma'am or Miss, or any other honourific out there. If it makes you happy to use those words, then go ahead, but you don't have to, as long as you're being courteous in your conversation.
Of course, the above items are not nearly exhaustive, but they do explain a bit of what I expect. All the other 'rules' that I have, stem from those three fundamental rules. I don't think I have time to type out all of my other rules, and the reasoning behind them at the moment. Perhaps later.